Building Trust with Your Teen: Tips from a Therapist for Teenagers
Building trust with a teenager is hard work. Hard? For sure. It’s consistent work, too. But the payoff is more than worth it. Trust between a teen and parent goes as far as you can imagine toward a healthy relationship. Trust is vital to pretty much any relationship in general anyway, right?
Here is a list of several things that I very well may end up working with parents on for trust building as a part of teen therapy at my office here in Franklin…
- Be consistent.
- Be open.
- Listen (and really hear your teen).
- Show empathy.
- Manage your reactions.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Offer help (not force it).
- Be interested.
- Be genuine.
- Be an example.
Be consistent.
Naturally, knowing what to expect helps someone to be at ease. If you laugh today when your teen tells you about playing a joke on their teacher, then you ground them for it when they tell you a similar story the next week – that creates uncertainty and can lead to nervousness, defensiveness, and anxiety in the future. You want to be predictable in your reactions, which creates a feeling of safety. Frequent inconsistency is more likely to cause a more volatile environment where your teen experiences stress at wondering what your reaction may be to a given topic.
Be open.
No teen wants to open up to their parents, then get jumped on as soon as they do. Your teen will tell you things you don’t understand, and sometimes it might have you wanting to throw your hands up or telling them to speak a real language. It’s best to try to understand what they’re wanting to communicate and not rush to judgment. We all do things that don’t make sense, or do things for reasons that don’t make sense (even us adults). If someone is immediately into the “Why in the world would you ever…” when you are honest and truthful with them, you’re way less likely to do so again in the future. And trust me, I’m sometimes thinking that. But you have to do your best to remain open to their reasoning.
Listen (and really hear your teen).
Have you ever explained to someone how you feel, and felt like they just didn’t get it? Or that they had their own pre-conceived idea, and maybe didn’t want to get it? Teens often feel that they aren’t heard or understood. Given that, it’s important to assure that your teen is feeling truly heard, and hopefully understood. In teen therapy, we use active listening skills as therapists. A lot of times, I run across the belief that therapy is the only place where a teen can be listened to or understood in a certain way. While teen therapy definitely provides things that can’t normally be found in other types of relationships, you as a parent can definitely use active listening skills to assure that your teen feels that they are heard and understood in the way that they want to be.
Show empathy.
Empathy is essentially the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Letting someone know that you can understand where they’re coming from can be a powerful tool in showing them support. This doesn’t mean “I know exactly how you feel, beause…” or “Yeah, I went through the exact same thing…” We’re talking about expressing that you can see where they’re coming from. “It sounds like when I said you need to work a lot harder on your work, you were hearing me say that you’re lazy.” Showing empathy often says to someone that you care. This isn’t saying that you have to show empathy in order to care. Simply that by showing empathy, its more easily seen that you’re truly attempting to understand someone’s feelings. In teen therapy, communicating empathy is one of the most commonly used tools we have.
Manage your reactions.
If we’re developing trust with our teen and want them to feel comfortable in bringing us their problems, their mistakes, and their need for advice, one of the worst things we can do is have a strong reaction to things they tell us. Maybe they tell us something truly awful, and we react with “Oh my goodness!” and tears, and a not-so-regulated response. That can easily leave them feeling that we can’t handle it when they have a problem and cause them to keep those problems from us. If we respond with “Oh, you’re in so much trouble. Get in your room until I decide what to do with you,” that can also leave them feeling that they can’t tell us things for fear of angry reactions. This isn’t to say that punishments aren’t appropriate, but it’s how we initially react that matters. An advantage that therapist have in teen therapy is that we are not disciplinarians. This creates an environment where teens feel that they are able to communicate the issues they’re dealing with, with acceptance rather than anger or punishment.
Ask open-ended questions.
We want to allow our teens to provide their own answers. Things like “Were you rude to your teacher? Yes or No?” doesn’t leave much room for nuance, and to be honest, may not even allow the ability for your teen to communicate the whole story, or for you to fully understand it. An open ended question may be more like “Tell me what happened between you and your teacher” or “Can you help me understand what was said between your and your teacher?” In teen therapy, every effort is made to allow teens to expand on what is going on in their world. We want full, detail rich responses any time we can get them.
Offer help (not force it).
It is easy to get frustrated when you’re trying to help someone and they seemingly don’t want or won’t accept help from you. Teens are working on developing an identity, and authority isn’t always accepted very well – especially if their perception is that an adult is saying “You better listen to what I have to say on this.” I often avoid the advice, especially in the form of a speech. For teen therapy, we really focus more on assisting teens in developing their own ideas, and this can be helpful at home, as well. A good strategy for offering help can be to simply knock on their bedroom door and say “Here if you need anything” and just keep on walking. A well-intentioned question like “What’s wrong? Do you need anything?” can sometimes cause a teen to feel pressured to talk.
Be interested.
Take a genuine interest in what your teen has to say. As your teen explains something from their life, it can be easy to think “This sounds like the silliest, most nonsensical thing I’ve ever heard. Why would my kid be interested in something like this?” Those thoughts can easily escape your mind, straight to your mouth. You may even just blurt out something like “What are you even talking about? Sounds weird to me,” which really says “I don’t care that much” and can leave your teen feeling a big disconnect from you. In teen therapy, I do my best to understand what a teen is describing. I ask questions about it. I may comment on it (something like “wow, that sounds like…”). So, show your interest. It pays off. Feeling that you actually care and are interested in their interests gives you some good common ground to have with your teen.
Be genuine.
Teens are skilled at picking up on things that are fake. You want to be genuine to avoid looking like you’re faking your interest. It doesn’t really count if it’s not real, right? If you’re expressing interest, be interested. If you’re expressing care, then you should actually care. This is where we have to be sure to say things that are accurate, but that are also helpful, or at the very least, not detrimental. What you say can have such a greater impact when it’s genuine. This goes for teen therapy, as well. If I BS my clients, they pick up on it, and therapy takes on a different nature.
Be an example.
Have you heard someone say “Be the change you want to see?” This absolutely goes for us with our kids. As parents, we have to show an example of what we are asking our kids to do and be. It’s not fair to ask someone to work hard when we sit on the couch all day, right? Be what you want your kids to be. Do what you want them to do. The “Do as I say, not as I do” philosophy doesn’t apply here. If we want our teen to be open with us, we need to be open with them (within reason). This goes for any number of things you’re asking of your teen. There’s more trust when you are aligned with your requests of them.
What if you’ve tried and nothing works?
That happens sometimes. You may try everything and still feel like it’s ineffective to build the trusting relationship you want. This is where teen therapy can provide some assistance. In therapy, I can coach parents on their communication and building a relationship with their teen. I also help teens figure out where their issues are with parents and how to improve things. This may not always be straight forward, and the difficulty building trust may stem from something else. We can work through those issues when they present themselves. Teen therapy may be useful for you, your teen, and the rest of your family.
Looking for Teen Therapy in Franklin?
Teen therapy in Franklin is readily available here. In my office, my dog, June, and I help teens and young adults feel more confident, figure out who they are, and overcome the challenges they’re dealing with. As a part of that, we also help parents, and the entire family, to work together and meet the goals they wish to address.
We specialize in working with teens and young women, and are LGBTQIA+ affirming. We welcome everyone as they are. Our office is located in Cool Springs, Franklin, TN. When it comes to online therapy, we provide services to any area of Tennessee where you may be located.
To start therapy in Tennessee, follow these simple steps:
- Contact Cody and June to schedule a free 15-minute consultation for you or your teen.
- Meet with Cody and June for an initial counseling session.
- Begin therapy, online or in person.
Counseling services offered by Cody and his therapy assistant dog June:
In addition to online and in-office therapy, June and I offer a variety of counseling services in Franklin or online throughout the state of Tennessee. More specifically, we offer teen therapy, young adult counseling, and walk + talk therapy. I specialize in working with anxiety, as well as depression, trauma, and generally feeling lost or trying to figure out who you are. To get to know June and me further, please contact my counseling office. (You won’t have to talk to a receptionist. I like to answer my own calls and emails.)
