Setting Boundaries: How Counseling Can Help to Empower Young Adults
What are boundaries?
Boundaries keep certain things in and certain things out, right? They are usually clearly marked and have signs around them indicating what they’re there for. There are boundaries for athletic fields, property, roads – boundaries are all around us. But what does it mean for us to set boundaries in our lives? Especially with other people? Or even ourselves?
The same concept applies. You’re drawing a line that you or someone else is not allowed to cross. Much like the boundaries we talked about above, you have to let others know what and where the boundary is. The difference is that you have to communicate this directly to others much of the time and unfortunately can’t just put up a sign. That can be uncomfortable (especially in this region of the country where assertive communication isn’t always particularly encouraged). It can be further complicated by things like lack of confidence and social anxiety.
My counseling with young adults includes setting boundaries for a number of things, so I figured “Why not write something about it that people will hopefully find helpful?”
When Do I Need to Set Boundaries?
Have you ever thought something like “Oh, when this friend of mine does or says this particular thing, it makes me feel bad.” Do you ever notice that being around certain behaviors or in certain situations affects you in a way you really don’t like? Are there certain activities that leave you feeling worse than when you started? Or are there physical actions that others may take toward you that you really don’t like? All of these things would be appropriate to set a boundary for. Some specifics may be helpful. Here are some examples that are similar to what young adult counseling may address, that you may or may not relate to.
Examples
- When my friend raises her voice because she has a problem with me, it causes me to feel scared.
- Going to a crowded bar or club gives me a lot of anxiety.
- Group projects in school where I’m forced to take the lead cause me a lot of stress.
- Being touched on my shoulder makes me feel panicked.
- My family questioning me about my career, relationship, and/or family plans causes me to feel a lot of pressure.
- Taking on too many projects or responsibilities at one time causes me to feel overwhelmed and shut down (a time to set a boundary for yourself).
The above are just a few hypothetical examples of when you may need to set boundaries, and they are similar to some contributing reasons for young adults counseling.
How Do I Set Boundaries?
There are all kinds of methods that you can use to communicate your boundaries. There are a few different styles of communication that I teach young adults about in counseling.
Passive communication involves communicating in a more timid, less straightforward way. Needs might not be clearly communicated, or partially communicated for fear of the other party not liking the requests being made (aka, boundaries being set). This is easily for someone who is a little headstrong to simply run over and not observe the boundary.
Aggressive commmunication involves coming on very strong, maybe in a threatening manner, or with raising one’s voice or screaming. It tends to drive people away or invite them to dig their heels in or fight back. In any case, the effect is typically adverse, even if you get what you want in the immediate moment.
Assertive communication is typically the most effective type of communication that we practice in young adults counseling. It involves clearly expressing the problem, how it affects you, and how you need it to change. For example “When you touch my shoulder, it causes me to feel really uncomfortable and nervous. I need you to keep your hands to yourself.” The follow-up to this is that you have to stand on the boundary you set. After all, we wouldn’t build a fence for our home that we know will fall if someone pushes on it, right? So, when we set the boundary (i.e., communicate where our fence is), we have to keep that fence there, firmly planted. At times, this means stopping communication with someone unfortunately.
Setting Boundaries for Myself
Inevitably, we will, at some point, do things that are not in our own best interest. When we recognize it, we probably need to stop doing that thing, right? Maybe we need an accountability buddy – “Jess, I’m not going to date anyone else who goes to bars a lot, because bars make me nervous. Can you hold me to that, and can I talk to you if I’m struggling with it?”
Boundaries for yourself carry the same need to stick with the boundary. Young adult counseling often focuses on this need, and where the tendency to do things that are detrimental to ourselves comes from, then working our way through that so that there’s not a need or want to continue the behavior.
The boundaries you set for yourself matter just as much as the boundaries you set for others.
Interested in Young Adults Counseling in Franklin & Throughout TN?
If you want to look into counseling with June and me, you can reach us at 931-626-3278 or [email protected] (I answer my own phone and emails, so you won’t have to talk to a receptionist and all that). We provide therapy in our office at 3326 Aspen Grove Dr, Suite 504, Franklin, TN 37067 – conveniently located in Cool Springs near Franklin and Brentwood. We also provide online therapy in Tennessee. To get started, follow these simple steps:
- Contact Cody and June to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
- Meet with Cody and June for an initial appointment.
- Begin therapy, online or in person
Counseling services offered by Cody Higgs and his therapy assistant dog June:
In addition to online and in-office teen therapy, June and I offer a variety of counseling services in Franklin or online throughout the state of Tennessee. We are LGBTQ+ Affirming, and we offer young adult counseling, and walk + talk therapy, as well as teen counseling. I specialize in working with folx experiencing anxiety, as well as depression, trauma, and generally feeling lost or trying to figure themselves out.
